man i shouldnt really be posting, i'm so freakin tired and shorter form is due tomorrow.. its not that late, but i feel like its 2 am already.  i need to start my shorter form, i only got ideas, and maybe half a solid answer to one part of #2.. the one that asks for a literary device... anyway, i really don't know what to do, i feel so frustrated and down..  ap's and sat ii's are in three weeks, and school is over by 10 weeks, by 3 weeks later i should be free.. i should be happy, i should be glad, even if i might be skrewed over for ap's and sat ii's i kno how fast three weeks past by.. i know its really fast and therefore i should be happy right.. because my entire stressful undercollege life is about to end..  yet. i cant seem to find any happiness within me.. i only feel a sense of tiredness.. frustration.. practically emo. yet there's no one to be emo about.  that's right, i'm actually emo because i don't have anyone to be emo over.  i'm sad and most of all lonely.  i really think that despite parental grievances about having a girlfriend would equal wasting your time, and gettin in the way of your studying.  yet, in times like this, when i cant be anything but down, tired, and literally feel like giving up even tho there's only three SHORt weeks.. i can't help but wish for, imagine, and pretend.. someone i can hug, someone i can lean on, vent on and sympathize with me.. someone who would fill my life with love and joy and erase my loneliness, making me strong, stronger.. enough to be able to hold through.. these 3 weeks... funny thing is, most of my classes have satisfactory grades, i only hafta worry about math, and a little bit about english..

i really know why i play so much games now, you could say i'm addicted, games just appeal to me too much.. but i realize that many times, its just an escape.. an escape from reality.. and an escape from loneliness.  when i play games, i'm with "friends", maybe not real ones, but "internet friends" ones who game with you, make a team with you, joke around and play around.  mess around, fight together, lose together, win together.  aim burned a lot of time for me too. because it too served as an escape from reality. from the truth of the existent stress i am immersed in.  the truth that i am really only.. sitting alone at home, by myself, lonely.

im mad at myself, for being so weak, when i always thought i could be headstrong.. i don't understand it,  three weeks may seem like a lot to some, but to me, i know exactly how short three weeks is to me.  why look.. tomorrow is friday already... one week is already almost gone.. and progress on a lot of studying? would probably be 0%.. yet still i lag, i procrastinate.  i pout silently and i sit at home thinking, and spacing out, instead of working or studying.  i'd stare at pages with my mind elsewhere.. nothing works.  teh fact that after three weeks i would have a lot less to worry about, and way more free time.  i'd be more chill, happy with lotta things that i could do.  have fun with friends and go out a lot more....but..

is this really my limit? three weeks before the final important assessment days of my highschool career and im crashing?  can i no longer continue? even to finish the three weeks remaining before the tests strike?  i banned myself from aim, yet i cant' concentrate anyway..  tomorrow i'm going to uninstall counter-strike, the final game off my computer (i gave yvonne starcraft to watch)

am i goin to last?  where am i going to find strength.. im lost and i cant find a panacea

im feel tired.. tired of everything; tired because of lack of sleep; tired of school; tired of studying; tired of work; tired of loneliness; tired of issues with friends, family, and other people; just plain tired..

im sure after  banning myself from games and aim, ima have a tough time, but atleast i wont waste time as much.. i think i'll spend some time everyday a little to post..  it helps.

its finally hit me, always the one who tries to help others with their relationships (friends, or more)..and then when i have nothing there, not even someone to worry about.  it becomes unbearable.  why during these last three weeks..